Being a Stepmother

I love being a full-time stepmother. Scott and Emma are wonderful children and I love them very much, but being a stepmother is not always an easy role for me.

Scott and Emma are with Brad and me about 87% of the time. Brad has full custody of them, and they only see their mother on average once a month throughout the year, about five days during winter break, and six weeks during the summer. When they are gone I often feel a little lost and out of place without them near me. Instead of focusing my daily routine and attention on caring for Scott's and Emma's basic needs, I am left to worry about their care and safety outside my control. I try not to worry, but I am unsuccessful half of the time. To distract myself, I try to take advantage of the lack of parental responsibilities by doing fun things with Brad, getting projects done, or cleaning out the kids' rooms. Keeping busy helps make things a little more pleasant and nice, but at the same time I feel like a part of my identity is missing when the children are gone-- the part of my identity I treasure and love. I love being a mother.

I think the hardest part about being a stepmother is knowing I have limited rights and authority. I may be the one raising Scott and Emma and spending the most time with them, but I am still only a stepparent, and there are times when I have to step back and allow the biological parents to take over. With Brad, I feel as if we are on the same page, and that we are both equals in raising Scott and Emma. We understand each other and we always have the children’s best interest in mind, making us one as a parental unit. With Brad I feel I am the mother of our home, and I always feel loved and appreciated by him. I am grateful for his love and support.

With Brad’s ex-wife, however, I feel as if she wants me to relinquish my role as a parent and treat the children as if I were only their babysitter, or a roommate, and not as a mother-like figure. She has never told me any of this, but I assume from her behavior that that's how she feels about me. This, however, is not realistic, since I am the one raising the children and spending the most quality time with them. The children are bound to love me and I them, and I will always treat them as if they are my natural children, even if I am only their stepparent. I will not love them less simply because they were born to another woman. I will love them as my own because they deserve to be loved unconditionally.

Outside of my relationship with Brad, my favorite role is being a stepmother to Scott and Emma. I love nurturing them and teaching them, and watching them learn new things and grow. As one of Scott’s and Emma’s main primary caregivers, I have become attached to their sweet and trusting personalities. I truly love them and care for them as if they were my own biological children. When they are gone with their mother, I am still their stepmother, thinking about them and praying for them every passing moment. I may be separated from them physically, but I know Scott and Emma think of me often, and remember my love for them. That alone makes being a stepmother worth it.

My goal as a stepmother is to bring an extra sense of motherly security into the lives of two wonderful children whom I love with all my heart. Being a stepmother does not mean I am in a contest to win Scott and Emma’s love, or that I'm trying to take their mother's place. It means I am another parental influence in their lives, wanting them to have happy and secure childhoods so that they can grow up to be smart and happy adults. I want them to feel loved and nurtured while they are young so that they themselves can be good parents to their own children someday. This is my goal.